As Life Goes On

 We are taking Ryan to Niagara Falls on Saturday. He wanted to see it...therefore his wish is our command. Whatever he wants, he gets. My husband stated that he didn't want to "spoil" Ryan. To that I said DUH! 

how can you spoil someone who's dying?  sometimes I wonder if Alex is plugged in and his batteries are topped up. 


I choose happiness, and with God's help I manage to find a bit of happy most days. This is tough on everyone and it either brings out the better or the bitter.

And Then

The family.. mostly sweet with a few nuts.

  the prospect of a loved one dying before their time is a concept that everyone has had a difficult time with. Ryan s aunts and uncles have always had a very close relationship. Their take on this situation has differed greatly from one to the other. Which is not surprising but it is jarring when their fears and weaknesses fall in my lap. Here am I getting  support with counselling and home care, where is the support for the extended family.  

While others in the family have simply chosen to look the other way and ignore the entire process. The closer relationships are straining under the stress.

How to say goodbye. it s not something that anyone can tell you how to do. It is a process that is gut wrenching yet liberating too. All things depend on attitude and how you let yourself embrace life.

6 months down the road

After the family doctor diagnosed Ryan in April, with aleukemic leukemia, and that he had only approximately 6 months to live. The fight was on.

  He was so weak and fragile that the first thing I did was take him to Toronto General for a full assessment.
They sent him home. "sorry, can't find anything wrong". was the gist of it. yes he's weak, confused and is bed ridden. Tests came back negative they couldn't find anything. My mother's intuition didn't count. "My son is dying" I declared to anyone who would listen. The deaf ear of the medical establishment was listening hard. Tests were done. There was no leukemia...... but they couldn't say what it was.  Ryan was sent home again.

The wheels started turning. I booked off work. There was an emergency brewing and I had to give it due diligence. In the ensuing months after eight visits to the hospital and a slew of  tests, a diagnosis was finally arrived at.  Cirrhosis of the liver, brought on by all the other meds he had to take for other medical conditions.

 We had always known that this day was coming, like the sword of Damocles constantly over our heads, a shadow that followed us on every occasion. We had known that  his transplanted liver would not go on forever. The day had dawned.  The glare of knowing and awareness blinded us with tears and crippled us with pain.

Everything from that day forward revolved around Ryan and his health. 




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