Friday, September 24, 2010

Some of The Things I Have Learned.

When I became a mother, I wondered if I would love my child enough. Whether I would be a good parent. And now I know.

Ryan has been the touchstone to what is real and necessary in life. I have pared down my priorities so that I can love others.  There is nothing else.  

 I have learned that life at any cost is not worth the price.

What you take with you when you die, is your name and all the love you have shared.

Ryan continues to be happy and still full of quips and double entendres. He has taken on my view of life.  We continue to laugh everyday and live life fully, never taking for granted what the day has on offer.

This episode is as much about me as it is about Ryan. This is a lesson in patience, strength and loving. All of which is God given. I have none of these virtues,yet I asked for them and was given these virtues when I needed them most. People who come in and out of my life are surprised at the equanimity in which I deal everyday with the issues at hand. More than once I have been told how strong I am. At this I have to smile. Knowing that in my youth, I was emotionally weak. I am not that same person. God has moulded me into who I am today.

I have not put my value on  things, which only leads to disillusionment. I have not been brainwashed into thinking that owing things is how we interpret the value of our lives. Things are a substitute for love.
Dying is the microscope by which we illiminate the dross and focus on the truly important.

Thursday, September 23, 2010

and the beat goes on

I spent an angst filled weekend just contemplating how I would cope if the nursing and personal support workers were to be removed. I was having nightmares and losing sleep.

Ryan got wind of what was being contemplated and translated overheard conversations about putting him in a Long Term Care Facility as meaning that he was a burden on us. That's when he started talking about committing suicide. 

I freaked out; and called the nurse immediately. She suggested that we take him to  emergency and get him seen by a psychiatrist.  Ryan, by this time had calmed down and so we didn't take him to emergency after all. 

From the health care workers to friends, everyone has had wonderful suggestions to maintain the level of care we have been receiving.  This morning, a lovely lady by the name of Andrea, who holds the title of, manager of Clinical Practice, came by. Her advice was to call our family doctor and tell him what this change would do to our family. He agreed to call the support worker to maintain the status quo.

I sure hope that this issue gets laid to rest. I simply would fall apart if Ryan were taken away and not allowed to pass away at home.

breathing a temporary sigh of relief, I hope this moutain doesn't get any higher.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

new twists of the bureaucratic kind

The call came on Friday afternoon.
The official voice on the other end telling me that the care and support for my son in his final months will be removed as he failed to die within the six month allotted time period. His six months is up and now we are facing putting him into a long term care facility. 

this is an euphamisim for warehousing. The sick who have no other means of support are put into a large institutional setting where they are put into small rooms to be largely forgotten until they either die or get better. I think of it as  kennels for humans.
I promised him that he could die at home. And that is a promise I intend to keep. I don't know how, but somehow I will perservere. Social medicine working at it's best I suppose. There is only so much help anyone who doesn't have deep pockets can receive.  I am disgusted, and don't know what I will have to do to keep Ryan at home.

Monday, September 6, 2010

happy days

Niagara Falls was the beginning of our vacation. What a wonderful day. Sun shone on us and we had a great time seeing the sights from atop the  giant ferris wheel. Then on to the aviary exhibt and the butterfuly house. There were a gazillion people from everywhere in the world.

As we waited in line to purchase tickets for the ferris wheel, a lady standing nearby asked if we could use her free tickets for the ride? Could we?? absolutely!  so we had free tickets for the ride. What a way to start, we were thrilled. Arrived home early in the evening, we were all tired out and everyone went to bed early.

The next day we packed Ry up and took him to the respite care facility where he was going to stay for the week. he was happy to be there. Different people and scenery. During the week Ryan's health took a definitive turn for the better. he has a good appetite and is stronger than he has been in months. We are taking advantage of all his good days. alleluia.

Alex and I went directly after to our boat to spend the week on board and visit along the Trent  canal. We had a wonderful peaceful time. It was just what the doctor ordered. The temperatures soared to 33c with humidity factor in the low 40's all the way through to Saturday when the temps took an abrupt turn. Cold wet weather finished the week. We were happy to have had several days of heat. September temps are here. 

We bid adieu to summer with warm rememberances.